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- So fucking hard -
Dec. 17th, 2008 | 01:13 am
mood: 
depressed
Who thought it was going to be so fucking hard.
I've hardly been in contact with the people from Japan. Like I don't know what to say if I send them anything.
I'm so scared that they will forget about me though. There is this really great friend who has a blog that I read. Damn I cry every time I see it.
I miss my life back in Japan but I couldn't take those people. The AFS was driving me crazy and I lost my motivation to go to school. Just started taking hold of my problems now and I went to the doctor. She's says she wants to put me on something, but she also doesn't want to put me on something. She wrote this report to the health organization to give me an appointment as fast as possible but I haven't heard anything yet. Last time I heard anything about them they had people on a waiting list for two years and people killing themselves because of it.
Not sure if I trust these people.
And then I snapped, the day before I was going to see my doctor I cut my leg up like crazy. I didn't give a fuck, it wasn't worth it anymore.
Then two days after that I got really drunk and did it again. Just wanted to know how much it would hurt if I cut while drunk you know.
Couriosity killed the cat right?
I had this huge bruise where I punched myself as well. Still sore but at least people don't stare anymore, it's gone.
I've hardly been in contact with the people from Japan. Like I don't know what to say if I send them anything.
I'm so scared that they will forget about me though. There is this really great friend who has a blog that I read. Damn I cry every time I see it.
I miss my life back in Japan but I couldn't take those people. The AFS was driving me crazy and I lost my motivation to go to school. Just started taking hold of my problems now and I went to the doctor. She's says she wants to put me on something, but she also doesn't want to put me on something. She wrote this report to the health organization to give me an appointment as fast as possible but I haven't heard anything yet. Last time I heard anything about them they had people on a waiting list for two years and people killing themselves because of it.
Not sure if I trust these people.
And then I snapped, the day before I was going to see my doctor I cut my leg up like crazy. I didn't give a fuck, it wasn't worth it anymore.
Then two days after that I got really drunk and did it again. Just wanted to know how much it would hurt if I cut while drunk you know.
Couriosity killed the cat right?
I had this huge bruise where I punched myself as well. Still sore but at least people don't stare anymore, it's gone.
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I'm bored and found this...
Sep. 3rd, 2008 | 10:03 pm
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personalit
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/in
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personalit
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/in
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Big Girls Don't Cry
Jun. 27th, 2008 | 03:22 pm
location: Living room corner
mood: disappointed
music: Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
Horrible title, I know.
So what's up then duckies?
This is really just because I need to get my journal changed and I've been thinking a lot lately.
Went to the pictures yesterday. August Rush. Anyone seen it?
It really hit something in me and I think again I realize that I'm really not the person I wish I was.
Like I'm not doing what I want to do with myself and I'm... Very sad to say it, but not with the people I wish I was.
So many times I keep on thinking that I would be way better off just being on my own for the rest of my life. No family and no friends.
But I could never do that to them.
And then I keep on thinking that if I stay away any longer will they forget about me like so many other have done before?
Maybe that would be for the better. Then I wouldn't bring them down and we could all move on.
But I do love them. I really do.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
So what do you do when someone you love, says they love you, but don't really think about how you feel?
I never told anyone before I would tell him. That wouldn't be right.
But then he never shows up anymore, wont talk... just isn't there. Then one day you show up to school and everything seems as sucky as they've been the last month.
One thing is different though. He's going to tell you what has been going on.
But it's not like he will wait to tell others before he has told the person he says is his world, his everything. No... He tells her friend and her boyfriend before that. Just because they were there you know.
They were there so why not tell them?
Then later, he takes you out and tries to tell you in a good way.
What he says makes you worse than you have been in ages and he ties a rock around your neck and pushes you down a hole.
He is seeing help. And there is one reason for that. You.
He says that your depression is too much and that he can't take it anymore, but hey! He loves you right?
Fuck... That's why he never tells you anything, right?
He goes home or wherever it is he is going. Not like you cared at that point because all you could think about is how much you are destroying the lives of the people around you.
Go down to the lockers. Your friends are there, they can cheer you up a bit.
But they let some things slip and you find out that they know a hell of a lot more than you ever did. He has been talking to them and then later saying to you that he can't find the right words for it. That's why he wont talk to you.
So... you are the last to know anything. And now you feel lost and you hate yourself more than you ever though you could.
And it is all because of the people you love.
But you can't blame them, no... There has to be a reason right?
Oh yeah. There is a big reason.
You...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Just something that has been on my mind since it happened and I don't think any of them realized how much it hurt for me and why I stayed away as much as I could.
I guess I can never do anything right.
Just the thought that someone is having to go and see help because of my problems though is a fucking slap in the face.
So what's up then duckies?
This is really just because I need to get my journal changed and I've been thinking a lot lately.
Went to the pictures yesterday. August Rush. Anyone seen it?
It really hit something in me and I think again I realize that I'm really not the person I wish I was.
Like I'm not doing what I want to do with myself and I'm... Very sad to say it, but not with the people I wish I was.
So many times I keep on thinking that I would be way better off just being on my own for the rest of my life. No family and no friends.
But I could never do that to them.
And then I keep on thinking that if I stay away any longer will they forget about me like so many other have done before?
Maybe that would be for the better. Then I wouldn't bring them down and we could all move on.
But I do love them. I really do.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
So what do you do when someone you love, says they love you, but don't really think about how you feel?
I never told anyone before I would tell him. That wouldn't be right.
But then he never shows up anymore, wont talk... just isn't there. Then one day you show up to school and everything seems as sucky as they've been the last month.
One thing is different though. He's going to tell you what has been going on.
But it's not like he will wait to tell others before he has told the person he says is his world, his everything. No... He tells her friend and her boyfriend before that. Just because they were there you know.
They were there so why not tell them?
Then later, he takes you out and tries to tell you in a good way.
What he says makes you worse than you have been in ages and he ties a rock around your neck and pushes you down a hole.
He is seeing help. And there is one reason for that. You.
He says that your depression is too much and that he can't take it anymore, but hey! He loves you right?
Fuck... That's why he never tells you anything, right?
He goes home or wherever it is he is going. Not like you cared at that point because all you could think about is how much you are destroying the lives of the people around you.
Go down to the lockers. Your friends are there, they can cheer you up a bit.
But they let some things slip and you find out that they know a hell of a lot more than you ever did. He has been talking to them and then later saying to you that he can't find the right words for it. That's why he wont talk to you.
So... you are the last to know anything. And now you feel lost and you hate yourself more than you ever though you could.
And it is all because of the people you love.
But you can't blame them, no... There has to be a reason right?
Oh yeah. There is a big reason.
You...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Just something that has been on my mind since it happened and I don't think any of them realized how much it hurt for me and why I stayed away as much as I could.
I guess I can never do anything right.
Just the thought that someone is having to go and see help because of my problems though is a fucking slap in the face.
